My family experiences a few of these every year since my Dad died almost 6 years ago. Days like today, his 56th birthday, when all of the grief and loss just comes crashing down again, not allowing you to escape or forget like some other days.
My absolute saddest regret is the loss that my two boys have experienced without even realising it. They will never know their Opa (dutch for grandfather). A man who would have adored them, teased them and been there for them every step of their life journey with wisdom and humour.
Dad also experienced a great loss in not meeting his grandchildren. Five little sparks of life that hold some of him within themselves. And maybe that is the gift... An amazing man, a very special family lineage that we and they will carry on within ourselves. He certainly left an amazing legacy when he left this earth.
But how I miss him. I was just getting to know him as an adult, as equals who had a new and special relationship to share. He had endured my visually entertaining adolescence, complete with piercings, dreadlocks and petticoats, both with amusement and shock. He was growing in respect for my career in "helping & loving people" whilst he went on his own educational journey in counselling after many years out of school. We had so much to gain... and so very much to lose. And lost we certainly did.
And yet, the grace of God meets you even in the midst of blame, anger, confusion, and complete sadness. This last year I have been pondering the idea of allowing God to comfort me in this all encompassing sadness. To stop placing responsibility at his feet and contemplate the loss that she may also have experienced. When I allow God in she meets me, shares the pain, the sadness, the great loss and I feel more whole and less alone (gender changes are intentional).
I am a long way from my brother, sister, mother, aunt and uncle today. People who would stand with me and share the sadness. They got to have their sad day yesterday. I thought it would be okay but right now that is the only place that I want to be. With people who get it and miss him just as much as I do.
oh Ali , all i can say (with tears in eyes) is that he is missed by all who knew him....he was an amazing man ....and we miss you too ....your an amazing mum and i know he would be so proud of you ....big hugs love Trina
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today Al *hugs* xo
ReplyDeleteHi Alison, the world is a big place but feels small when we share these times together. Nice to read your thoughts about your Dad and our brother (in law). Love Mark and Diana
ReplyDeleteHi Alison.....That is a most beautiful tribute to your Dad. I didn't know him but the tears ran down my face as I read it. Some people seem to be taken too soon and for others, you wonder why they have to lie in a Nursing Home with dementia, having to have the staff attend to their every bodily need, just waiting to be taken to their to heavenly home..... like my Father who is 90 years of age.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless..........Lois S.